I often express my dissatisfaction with the people in the Christian movement. I have also maintained that questioning the validity of the church's belief is not the same as challenging the existence of God or his motivation.
But the truth is though I believe in God, he has a credibility problem with me. I'll just stick with one of the bigger problems I have.
"I will send you a counselor (or comforter, or encourager, or helper)." We understand this to be the promise of the Holy Spirit who will come and fill us with something or other. It sounds great because I often feel empty and lonely. I would love to sense a benevolent mystical presence within me or even outside of me. But I don't. I thought I had in times past, but I doubt those past impressions of mine.
I have friends of the charismatic persuasion who insist that they fellowship fully with the Spirit. They feel an intense connection with God. They speak in a heavenly language (what we call tongues). They've seen powerful workings of the Spirit.
I want to be gentle here. But I don't believe them. I believe in their sincerity, but I don't believe they've experienced what they say they are experiencing. I don't say that often because I don't want to hurt their feelings, and besides, I could be wrong. But everything I've seen in my thirty years of ministry appears to be emotionally driven, and a lot of that is anxiety.
I still believe in God and Jesus. I'm still able to teach from the scripture. I'm willing to entertain the idea of a powerful mystical presence that can change the course of events. But I have not seen it.
"Maybe He is there but you just can't see him," some will argue.
Okay. But no one has searched for him more than I have. If He's that hard to experience, what good is He?
I don't talk easily about these things to others. Frankly, it would hurt some people I love, and it would make my life more complicated than I want. This blog allows me to say things because I am anonymous. There are only three people who know my identity and I trust them enough to tell them anything.
To them and those of you who have become my blog friends, I say, that this has been a bitter disappointment to me. I have felt inadequate, rejected, angry, and disillusioned in that order.
Bear in mind that I am not experiencing an emotional or even spiritual crisis. I have been this way for quite a few years and I have found some peace along the way.
I just wanted to say it to someone.