Saturday, October 17, 2009

Where Does a Preacher Buy Condoms?

So I'm doing my part to keep the population stabilized. I decide to zip into the local pharmacy, on a surreptitious search and retrieve mission. On my way to the designated aisle, I pick up a bag of candy bars to provide cover for the targeted package. Both packages are cradled in one arm and I'm headed for the check out like a wide receiver going for the goal, when a lady from my church rounds the corner of the aisle.

When I say lady, I mean it. She's not one of these grim church women who might not actually know what a condom is. She's just past middle age and a really classy person. I like her and I don't want her to see me lugging an economy sized box of extra thin, lubricated prophylactics.

Before she recognizes me, I dive for a bin full of Halloween masks. She makes eye contact just as I'm burying my potential purchase underneath an item that is also made of latex. But it's not covered completely and I pray (since I'm so religious) that she doesn't look too closely at what I'm trying to conceal.

We visit for a moment before we go our separate ways. If she saw, she doesn't mention it because as I said, she's classy.

I get to the checkout stand. When a guy rings up these kinds of purchases, he usually moves with dispatch to place it in the bag. But not this lady. She picks up the box of condoms and, I'm not kidding, she holds them to her rather ample bosom while she taps in the code. And she's chatty.

"It's mighty warm today, isn't it sir?"

"Mm hmm."

"I see someone is indulging his sweet tooth."

"Beg your pardon? " Oh, she meant the candy bars.

Finally, I'm out the door and safe in my car.

As I leave the parking lot, I notice a drive through window where people can pick up their prescriptions. Couldn't a fellow buy his condoms there as well?

But no, with my luck it wouldn't work out.

First, I don't want to be hollering my order at a friendly plastic pharmacist that repeats my order at maximum volume. He probably wouldn't ask if I wanted fries with that order, but I could imagine what he might say.

"We have a special where you can buy the package with four different flavors."

"Just the plain version."

"You mean vanilla--that's our most popular."

"I mean no flavors please."

"Would you like the combo that comes with personal lubricant and a two liter bottle of soda?"

"No thanks."

"Do you want to supersize that order, sir? "

"No. Well, maybe. I mean no."

"That comes to $29.99, you can pick it up at the second window. Thank you and have a REALLY nice evening." The plastic pharmacist would give a mechanical wink.

Next time, I'm going out of town when I make a liquor run.


  1. Funniest thing I've read all week! I can't wait to see all the comments on this one. Sistermoon, the world is waiting.

    McDookie's needs to diversify and start selling these items. I'm surprised some disgruntled employee there (arent't they all?) hasn't slipped a peppermint twist Trojan into a Happy Meal. "Mommy, what's this?" -- "Uh... that's for Daddy's Big Mac."

    --Jag Man

  2. It's funny, the cultural cringes that Christians have. I wonder what the lady would have thought of my pastor's wife, who laughed at some chocolates in the shape of breasts and them bought some for her husband whilst on a shopping trip with me and some other women from church recently :-)

  3. Jag Man, I can't say a thing in reply that won't have a double entendre.

    Bird, I've noticed that some preacher's wives can get away with being a little outrageous and the congregation usually likes it.

  4. Oh CG. I am sooooooo entertained with this entry....I'm sure your wife will be with the entry as well....DOH!!

    I've never understood the need to hide such me, it's a validation of all the sex I'm having!! Shoot, bring on the BIG box!!
    Let em see that you are having sex for the ENJOYMENT, and not the procreation!! Woo hoo!!
    You did have do people think that happened???

    I got your back CG. You let me know when you need more and I'll ship some out to you. Brown paper parcel. I'll even include some boozy booze to make the evening complete...

    ...I'll even throw in some fries with that...

    ...just start quoting some 1Cor Chapter 7 at them...I hear tell peeps fall over in the face of the word of God...

    Ahhhh.....thanks for the stress to's always great to be so snarky...

  5. "It is better to marry than to burn with passion..." 1 Cor 7.

    Hey Sistermoon, you're right of course about what we don't want to be seen. Other things are embarrassing, too--preparation H, etc. I remember I was talking in the store to this goodlooking woman from church. It took me several minutes that she was clutching this queensized box of tampons and maybe that's why she was a little uncomfortable.

    It's also interesting how we'll joke and giggle about sex like we're all five and we're using the words poo poo and pee pee. Then we can still get real uncomfortable when it becomes real life.

    As long as you're willing to send me stuff in a plain brown wrapper, how about some of those havanas...?

    Always glad to give a smile.

  6. This one is pretty funny. After I had my kids and couldn't be on reg BC, we needed buy similar items. I wouldn't even go into the store with him.

  7. Ally, come to think of it, my wife is the same way. As others have said, it's a shame we're ssensitive about such things.

  8. THIS was wonderful! I have a gift for you...a link: Whatever you order... from throat lozenges to condoms to other kinds of unusual and exciting choices, will come in a typical brown shipping carton from a drugstore. No big deal, right? And shipping is free for an order over $25.00. :)

  9. Hey Anonymous,

    Thank you, thank you, thank you.