Thursday, May 27, 2010

Where Does a Preacher Buy Condoms, Part 2

This is un frickin believable.

I’m going though All-mart to pick up condoms.

(See previous article).

I’m trying to use a little taste and discretion in my efforts to practice safe sex and you’d think the Almighty would cut me a break.

But nooooooo….

I covered the contraband with a DVD and a cell phone, and then I wheeled the basket to the checkout line. So far, so good. I looked for one of the automatic checker machines. Most of them were closed, but I found one.

When I passed the cell phone under the scanner, the floor manager bustles up to me. “I’ll have to help you with that, sir. She mashes an interminable number of buttons before it accepts my purchase. And then she rings up the rest of my items until she sees the condoms. “Do you want to ring those up yourself?” she asked as she recoiled.

Geez lady, they’re still in their sealed packets. You’re safe.

She leaves me to complete the transaction, but of course the machine is cranky, so the guy behind me steps up to help me through the process. “Thanks,” I mumble. He has a huge grin on his face as he watches me shuffle away.

I get to the exit. The alarm sounds as I walk through the sensors. I figure the DVD set it off. I hand it to a woman who looks like my Aunt Flossy. She resets the alarm and we tried again.

This time it sounds even louder.

The woman figures I’m in a hurry, so she tries to help me by pawing through my bag herself. Then she scrutinizes my receipt.

At least she didn’t call out on the loudspeaker:


Finally, they let me go and I make it out the door.

I swear it would have been easier to smuggle them across the border when I came home from a Mexico mission trip.


  1. Kind of like when I was hoisting that 12-pack into a shopping cart about 15 years ago, turned and ran smack-dab into (who else?) the pastor of the buttoned-down Baptist church I was attending. The Spirit of Life has a sense of humor, what else can one say? :)

  2. I'm sure a lot of people have seen me coming and tried to hide what they were doing. Several have burned a hole in their pockets when hiding a lit cigarette!

  3. He speaks in mysterious ways, no? I think God might be telling you to order from! :) ~k

  4. Weren't we just talking about the Victorian attitudes?

    I say flaunt it baby!! Strut around with a case of them. Why does the fact that you're getting some have to be embarrassing??

    I thought it was OK to have sex if you're married in Christian circles...I thought you were married....

    I think you need to do a sermon about the Song of Solomon.

    "This thy stature is like to a palm tree, and thy breasts to clusters of grapes. I said, I will go up to the palm tree, I will take hold of the boughs thereof: now also thy breasts shall be as clusters of the vine, and the smell of thy nose like apples; And the roof of thy mouth like the best wine for my beloved, that goeth down sweetly, causing the lips of those that are asleep to speak. I am my beloved's, and his desire is toward me.

    I need a cigarette now...

  5. I find it impressive that an athiest can quote this particular passage so readily. I guess you just have a real thirst for knowledge.

    I can preach a sermon on this passage at the same time I have some liturgical strip dancers. And then I can go into my next exciting career.

  6. Mike, glad you were amused.

    K--it's funny, we clergyguys long to hear the voice of God. I see how He has spoken clarly to me. He said, "BUY YOUR CONDOMS ON THE INTERNET!"

  7. I haven't always been an atheist ya know..

    And I'm not so sure that the thirst is for knowledge...unless it's unlawful and carnal...hence reading and re-reading Song of Songs...

    Stripping for Jesus...How awesome is that?

  8. Clergy women buy tampons, and various other things, all the time without having a seizure over it. I'm with sistermoon, maybe you should celebrate the God-given joy of sex and that you are actually (obviously) getting it! After all, it isn't like you are a priest buying condoms!

  9. Anonymous: See here! What's the big idea of appealing to common sense?

  10. Also to Anonymous: I've noticed that women are much less squeamish about these things than men are.