Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Doing the Clergy Guy Shuffle

“Momma, why does the preacher always wear a dress?

That sweet little miscreant was not REALLY commenting on my gender orientation   She was merely referring to my clergy robe. That garment of priestly splendor that signifies my holy authority.  

But it really does sort of look like a dress.  

On the one hand, I like it because it covers a lot of errors, such as my not checking my fly before I go on.  But it’s a pain. If I have to reach for a comb, my keys, or my ringing cell phone, I have to hike it up to get to my pocket, and there’s no way to make that look dignified.  

What is the deal about clothes anyway? Why did Adam and Eve have to screw that up at the very beginning? And what were they thinking with the fig leaves?  If they’d just played it cool, I’d never have to worry about splitting the center seam of my pants again.  

By the way, I loathe tight clothes any day of the year but especially during the summer. It’s so fricken HOT. And then people want me to wear a robe over my clothes? A coat and tie is bad enough when the temp makes a good illustration of where we don’t want to spend eternity. BTW, In heaven there’s central air and NO TIES.  

Why don’t we all agree that jeans and t shirts are respectable AND comfortable, and be done with the whole debate  

But these days, what has my knickers in a twist is that now my clothes aren’t tight enough. I had to bore a new hole in my belt and cinch my pants up tight so they don’t fall off.  Now that would create a picture.  There I am delivering my best soul saving, fire and brimstone, take no prisoners sermon, and suddenly my pants fall down to my ankles just below the hem of my dress--uh, robe.  

In my nightmares I hope nobody notices. Instead of reaching down to pull them up, I do a quick shuffle off the stage, as I curse Adam and his damn fig leaves, as well as the kid who thinks I'm wearing a dress.


  1. LOL! Sounds very impractical!

    On a text-based roleplaying game I staffed some time ago, I noticed most of the male characters were wearing "cassocks," which were not described. Figuring they didn't realize they were wearing dresses, I helpfully made up some descriptions for the garments. It took about a week for someone to notice, and the group exodus to the changing rooms was something hilarious to behold.

    1. LOL! How terrible you are to threaten their masculinity with a bit of education. :)

    2. Yeah, I'm mean that way. You should have been there for the next bit of education about "toques". I AM SO NOT WEARING PUFFY HATS, cried one male admin. "They're not that puffy" did not help much. I posted pics and that only made things worse. You'd think guys RPing in a medieval-ish setting would be more flexible about wearing things like dresses and puffy hats. It's downright mystifying, really. I'd go on to become a fairly well-known voice in the medieval/Renn costuming world and discover things get even more hilarious when it's guys thinking about *wearing*, for real and in semi-public, these outfits. Yeah, it's probably not shocking at all that most of 'em just say "to hell with this noise" and go for 9th-century Norsemen or Britons because that's about the only real culture that wore recognizable pants till the 1600s.

      So you can imagine I thought this was freakin' hilarious, what you wrote! You know, one historical solution men contrived to solve the dilemma of their pants/tights falling down was to put ribbon ties at their waistbands, and tie them to the waist-level of the skirty/dressy thing. Upside: pants never fall down. Downside: you're trussed like a Thanksgiving turkey and gods help you if you have to pee. Major upside: comedy value for your spouse.